Aspie Girls

As we all know, eye contact can be really difficult. I was just reminded today of just how difficult it can be. I had a job interview!

Through the entire interview I had to force myself to make eye contact. At times, I felt like perhaps the woman I was interviewing with might be thinking that I was staring at her. I had to keep reminding myself that others likely don't notice just so long as I appear to be looking at them. I try to let everything go out of focus when I am looking someone in the eye because it makes me feel more secure. However, I have often wondered if that leaves me looking like I could be staring off into space or not fully paying attention. The whole thing was really frustrating, but I think I pulled it off.

I used to have very good eye contact from years of practice, but in my years as a stay at home mother I have lost some of my skills in this area. It is a struggle to have to relearn a skill like this once you have let it go. I tend to only go out when I need to and I have plenty of time to work myself up for the assult of one on one conversation. Most people, I think, have no idea what sort of internal battle I am having. Regardless, I have to constantly remind myself that no one knows but me. I never noticed how bad the eye contact had become until my recent attempts to become a more involved member of society.

At one point, I had a doctor tell me that she thought that I might not make good sustained eye contact because I have an auditory processing problem. She postulated that I might be listening so hard that I am forgetting to look at the person that I am conversing with. In a recent meeting with my current doctor, I was asked outright why I don't like to make sustained eye contact and the response that came out was a shock - even to myself.

I feel that others (neurotypical individuals) are looking directly into my soul, for want of a better way to express it. They are, in a sense, mind readers. Since I know that I have trouble at times with subtle facial expressions and gestures, it leaves me feeling exposed. As if my every movement and facial expression is revealing secret information that I am unable to translate. Do they know that I have on dirty socks? That I actually don't know what they might be talking about? That I secretly hate the color yellow? Questions like these flood my head when I find myself staring into the eyes of another human being. As a result, I choose to limit these experiences to those that are of the highest level of importance. I imagine that if I could do it once, I can learn to do it again. Wish me luck!

I will be starting graduate school in about a week. I have recently had to deal with the disability services at the university that I will be attending. I don't require much in the way of accomodations, but it turns out that what I do require is causing a bit of a fuss. It has been recommended that I have a private office space because of my sensory issues and tendency to talk to myself while reading. I wouldn't have thought that this would be that huge of a deal at the graduate level, but it is turning out to be somewhat of a nightmare. It isn't that people don't want to accomodate me, it is getting them to understand why accomodations are in order. Naturally, I don't want to disclose more than I have to, but it turns out that I am having to disclose more than I really wanted to.

In theory, when one deals with disability services, a minimal amount of disclosure is required. Generally, a letter is sent out stating that disability services is in possesion of documentation to support the requested accomodations. In my case, this wasn't enough. The folks in charge of allocating space at the university as well as my department of study ended up requesting the specific reasons for the request. This is upsetting to me, to say the least. Graduate studies are serious business. I don't want them thinking that I am somehow less than capable. As anyone who has ever been to graduate school can attest, having the faculty doubt your ability can be damning, to say the least. When I saw the letter that was sent out to the building explaining the specific reasons why accomodation was needed, it read like I am some sort of basket case. The mental image generated by their description of my particular areas of disability leed one to wonder if I am even fit for a university setting in the first place.

I startle easily. I have significant issues with focused, sustained attention and am easily distracted by sounds and movements that would be considered reasonable to most typical individuals (i.e breathing sounds, chair shifting sounds, paper shuffling, etc.). Most sounds that would be typical of a shared office setting would result in my being unable to focus and study. I could wear headphones to eliminate sounds in my environment, but this would generate a good deal of anxiety for me. I tend to worry a lot about what others may be thinking about me since I am not so great at reading peoples social undertones. In addition to the distractability issues and the social anxiety, I also have a tendency to talk to myself while I am reading or assimilating large amounts of information. This could be distracting to the people around me, but it is necessary for me to take in and use the information that I am studying.Ugh..... Did anyone happen to notice that I had a 3.87 GPA in the last program that I attended? That I have lecture experience and was the head teaching assistant in my last program? Probably not. They are more likely left wondering if I faked my application!

In all of my past experiences with university course work, I have actually never had to contact disability services for accomodations because I have been very fortunate. A private office space was a simple request that more or less went without question. I didn't need to prove anything. In the past, I have just mentioned that I have significant "sensory issues" that are documented and I have subsequently been allocated space in a dark, dusty unused room in the basement. The accomodations haven't been glamorous, but they have been functional. In this current situation, I have been put in a position where I am being made to feel like others think that I somehow feel that I deserve unfounded special treatment. This couldn't be further from the truth. I have actually been sent an email explaining that standard procedure mandates that there be four graduate students to a single office and that my request will set a precedent. The entire situation has left me wondering, "How much disclosure is enough?" I can understand and appreciate that providing documentation to disability services is necessary in order to help one identify what accomodations are necessary and to also prove the medical basis for accomodation, but how much information should individuals outside of that office be given? At what point am I disclosing too much? The university has a whole department specializing in the special needs of students with legitimate and documented disabilities! Shouldn't the university as a whole trust the discretion of the department they enlisted to screen the validity of an individuals needs and the resulting accomodations?

Since writing my last blog about Cassandra AffectiveDeprivation Disorder (CADD), I have really been thinking a lot about how the issue makes me feel as a woman with Asperger's Syndrome (AS). In my opinion,one of the most negative aspect of the CADD diagnosis is the idea that the parent or partner with AS has a negative effect on the mental health of the family. It is this notion that the AS individual is overtly self-absorbed in their areas of special interest at the expense of the emotional well being of their family that suggests that the individual is somehow unfit to raise children. While I can both understand and appreciate how living with someone who is likely a little cold or aloof, stubborn and rigid, eccentric, not so great with communication and prone to obsessive interests could depress the mood of a family, I wonder how deleterious the effects really are. The degree to which individuals with AS are effected varies greatly. Certainly some of us really are so wrapped up in our special interest areas that we scarcely surface to eat or shower, but are we all this way? The simple fact that some of us have managed to mate and reproduce would suggest other wise.

There is little dispute that individuals with AS actually long for human interaction, so why do we have such a negative stereotype? I honestly think that it is because a negative“story” draws in a lot more attention than a positive one. Who wants to hear about the Aspie mother who’s obsessive interest was child rearing or the Aspie man who turned his obsessions into a lucrative career that could support a large family? The fact is that stories such as these really do exist; they simply don’t draw as much attention as stories of individuals whose behaviours result in emotional neglect or abuse.

I have a tendency to obsess over topics that are appealing to me, just as many Aspie’s do, but I have been fortunate that some of my interests have been beneficial to my family and not just me. In fact, when I look back on my life through the lens of Asperger’s Syndrome, it is obvious that much of my success as a parent is a direct result of my propensity for obsessive interests. While it is true that I do struggle to find the right balance between “me time” and “family time”, the emotional and educational interest of my children typically comes first. They are my own personal experiment in child rearing and I marvel at the many different ways in which I can mould them and direct them. I am immersed in one of my favourite obsessive interests everytime I interact with my kids and I can honestly say that I feel no guilt over time spent researching them.

Another positive aspect to the "obsessive interest" that is almost always overlooked is the ability to share that interest with your family. I am an Aspie with many and varied areas of special interests and this makes me “interesting” to my kids. It is not unusual to find our family out traveling the country side in search of “information”. From collecting rocks and plants to investigating the paranormal, our family is never at a loss for things to do because I share my obsessions with them. It was the easiest way to turn an otherwise solitary activity into quality family time without totally compromising my need to know more!

In closing, while I can see the potential for emotional neglect in a relationship with someone who has AS, I can also see the potential for just the opposite. It all depends on your level of self-awareness and your understanding of your “different ability”. I believe whole-heartedly that Aspie parents have the ability to be great parents.

If you have a story about how you feel your Aspie or Autie traits have had a positive influence on your family life post it in my thread on "Traits of a Positive Parent. http://www.aspiegirls.com/apps/forums/topics/show/1033107-traits-of-a-positive-parent

Recently, Dr. Tony Attwood appeared on the Autism Hangout video blog site and made a reference to a concept known as the "Cassandra Phenomenon". Dr. Attwood is a regular guest on the show and can be heard making many positive and upbeat responses to audience questions in "Ask Dr. Tony". Dr. Attwood's reference to the phenomenon has sparked massive controversy in the autism community and has even resulted in an online petition being passed around the internet. What exactly is it that Tony Attwood said that has everyone so upset?

Cassandra is an image derived from Greek mythology. She had been given the gift of prophecy by the god Apollo, but when she refused his romantic gestures he cursed her so that no other would ever believe her prophetic words. The "Cassandra Phenomenon" is, therefore, a metaphor that is often used in situations where the warnings or concerns of another are ignored or downplayed. The metaphor is not unique to psychology and is used to describe situations related to climate change as well as issues relevant to business dealings. In the episode of  "Ask Dr. Tony" in question, some place around 7 minutes and 45 seconds into the video, Dr. Attwood can be heard making a reference to this "Cassandra Phenomenon" in response to one woman's questions regarding her husband who possibly has undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome.

http://www.autismhangout.com/news-reports/feature-programs.asp?id2=103

The real controversy comes into play because of a lesser-known "disorder" called Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder (CADD). Maxine Aston, author of the book The Other Half of Asperger's Syndrome and Asperger's in Love, has coined the phrase.  Aston is a Relate councilor working in the UK who deals exclusively with couples coping with Asperger's Syndrome and Autism in their relationship. The symptoms of the so called "disorder" are said to be very similar in nature to Seasonal Affective Disorder and it is thought to be a direct result of living with a partner who has undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome. The "disorder" does not appear in the DSM-IV or the DSM-IV-TR and should not be confused with Affective Deprivation Disorder (a disorder that may be included in the upcoming DSM-V). While similar to Affective Deprivation Disorder, CADD is a disorder that is supposed to be unique to couples where one partner is neurotypical and the other has undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome. There is a great deal of concern over the notion that family members may be suffering from depression as a direct result of living with a spouse or parent who has undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome. This is largely because there are far reaching implications for the "fitness" of such parents in child custody disputes. Divorce rates are high amongst those with Asperger's Syndrome due to their struggles with interpersonal relationships and diagnosis such as CADD just add insult to injury. Individuals with Asperger's or High Functioning Autism may have a great need for solitary activities in a relationship and may have fewer emotional needs than their neurotypical partner. They may not understand or appreciate the social and emotional needs of their spouse and children and this could possibly result in the non-Asperger's family members feeling emotionally deprived. This emotional deprivation might then lead to a depressive state (i.e. CADD). The idea that spouses and parents with Asperger's or High Functioning Autism may play a role in the degradation of the mental health of the family suggests that there is something inherently sinister about the individual who is also, incidentally, coping with Asperger's Syndrome. I do not agree that one family member having Asperger's Syndrome is, in and of it's self, sufficient grounds to determine who should have custody or visitation of the children. Dr. Attwood has himself stated in defense of his comments that  "...having a diagnosis of autism or Asperger’s syndrome does not render a person automatically incapable of being a good partner and parent. Indeed, many of the people I know with autism and Asperger’s syndrome as clients and friends are exceptionally good parents and partners (http://www.faaas.org/doc.php?29,358)." Similar quotes can be found in Tony Attwood's books, as well. I believe that Dr. Attwood supports spouses and parents with autism and to place blame on him and accuse him of supporting "hate groups" as one website has suggested, is overly critical. I believe that the real confusion is over the use of the metaphor "Cassandra Phenomenon" as opposed to Astons suggested "Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder". The subtle difference between these two phrases and their implications is at the root of the controversy surrounding Dr. Attwood's comments. Personally, I think that Dr. Attwood is a wonderful advocate for individuals with autism and Asperger's. 

On the subject of Maxine Aston, I have read some of her books and found them to be very informative. I have even written a positive review of her book Asperger's in Love. It is clear that she has an incredible amount of practical experience in dealing with couples coping with autism and Asperger's Syndrome, but I am going to have to agree to disagree with her on the CADD idea. I was a little shocked to learn about her so-called "disorder". It is important to keep in mind, however, that she is a councilor and not a physician. She is only one person with one opinion. While it is true that she has a lot of experience to back her claims, she alone does not determine what constitutes a true disorder. I think that Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder bears far too much similarity to other existing disorders that are not specific to Asperger's Syndrome or Autism and feel that it is unlikely that her CADD will ever find a place in the DSM. Her expertise as a councilor is unquestionable, but her diagnostic abilities may be a little wanting. Nonetheless, she has written some really useful books and it is clear that her intensions are to help, not hurt. I think that the autism community would be well served to find ways to highlight examples of relationships between neurotypicals and autistics that have worked and not fixate on the ones that have been disastrous. We need to showcase examples of good "Aspie" parenting to show the world that we can do a superior job of parenting our children. We Aspie's can be pretty good at thinking of the worst sometimes. Let's try to remain positive and focus on creating and maintaining positive and healthy relationships with the ones closest to us. 

Whenever I have mentioned Asperger's or Autism to any of my friends or family, I am usually met with reactions like, "You are way to talkative to be autistic." or "You don't have the flat voice that people with Asperger's have." While it is true that many people with Asperger's are shy and reserved and speak in a monotonous way, there are plenty of us out there who do not seem to fit this stereotype at all. I have always had a severe issue with talking. I never seem to know if someone is bored, in a hurry, trying to change the subject or are simply not interested. It is less of a problem of not wanting to talk and more of a problem of not understanding the cues to regulate a conversation. If I am asked by a clerk at the supermarket "how are you today", I often puzzle over knowing how much of an answer I am really supposed to give. Should I simply say that I am fine or should I really tell them how I feel? I never seem to know and usually end up saying too much. Small talk usually ends up as "big talk" by the time I am finished with it and Lord help the poor soul who happens to ask me about something that is related to an area of "special interest". They'll never get me to shut up! Another issue that I have is with volume. I have a very loud and booming voice that carries well. I absolutely can't stand it when people tell me to lower my voice. It just isn't natural for me to speak any softer. I get accused of having a "tone" or "yelling" all the time when in reality I am excited or very passionate about what I am saying. It is almost never my intention to yell or take a tone. It all leaves me feeling very frustrated and confused and I feel self concious every time that I speak. I get the feeling that when people think of me that "annoying" is a word that may come to mind, but certainly not "autistic".

As I have advanced in years, I have aquired more and more skill in social settings. It was much more obvious when I was a child that there were "issues". I would talk out of turn in class and had trouble staying in my seat. My desk was positioned right next to the teachers for most of elementary school and occasionally I was even relocated to the hallway. I was not very good at getting other children to play with me and subsequently spent a good deal of time studying the other kids on the playground trying to figure out why they were able to get playmates while I was not. As a result, I could always be found lurking on the perimeter of the playground and was frequently accused of staring at people. I don't think that it ever occured to anyone that there might be a problem back in 1980. Today, perhaps someone would have noticed the troubles I was having at school. It is difficult to say because girls are still under diagnosed in the autistic spectrum.

The following link is for an ABC News clip called "Diagnosing Girls' Autism" that aired January 24, 2008. When I watched this, I immediately saw myself (as well as my daughter) in the little girl featured in the video.

http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=4181242

When I was a child (around the age of 5 or 6), I used to get worked upover the "little things". I can recall driving out through rural Indiana with my mother en route to visit my aunt. Having grown up primarily in the city; these narrow two lane highways seemed a bit foreboding to me. I used to struggle to keep count of the lines in the center of the road and was perplexed as to their meaning. Why a double yellow line? Why a dashed yellow line? Why only dashed on one side or the other? It was all very intriguing and I really dug in to study the possibilities. However, one bit of rural signage in particular just drove me to distraction! It was the "no passing zone" signs that appear along the side of these rural highway systems. I knew that road signs were there to advise travelers of the rules of the road, but being small and not understanding the true meaning of such signage, I was left to ponder how these "no passing" signs could ever be obeyed.  In my minds eye I was imagining the world in all of its roundness spinning someplace out in space. Protruding out from the side of our planet was a huge yellow sign dawning the words "no passing". "How does this signwork?", I would puzzle. It seemed to be an obstacle to our travels to visit my aunt and it really bothered me a great deal that my mother would just casually pass the thing without even the slightest mentionof the obvious "rule breaking" she was engaged in. If one were to drivet o the left or right of the sign they would be passing it. If they were to fly over the sign they would be passing it. In fact, one could drive the entire circumference of the planet and still have to pass the sign to arrive at their final destination. It made me uneasy to think that such signs dotted the landscape with a relatively high frequency. What a hindrance to travel!! How was anyone expected to travel about with all of these signs that could not be passed? Being like so many Aspie children, I never bothered to ask my mother about the obvious problems arising from these signs. It was so obvious that the rule was to not pass them; I didn't have to ask for clarification. Instead, I just sat and puzzled over them until some time around the age of about 14 or 15. At this time, I began to study traffic rules in preparation for mydriver's education course at school. It was then that I first realized the true meaning of the elusive "no passing zone" signs. How stupid I felt when I realized that it wasn't the sign, but the other vehicles on the road that were not to be passed!!

"...the ability to recognize and understand thoughts, beliefs, desires and intentions of other people in order to make sense of their behavior and predict what they are going to do next."

  -Tony Attwood 2007

This is an area that I have particular difficulty with and until learning about Asperger's Syndrome (AS) had very little understanding of. As I have discussed in my post  Discovering Empathy, empathy is something that I think many people with AS have only a limited understanding of. There is an unwritten social language involved that seems to slip through our fingers like dry sand on the beach. Recently, I had a very frightening realization regarding "theoryof mind" abilities. I was in the office of the child and adolescent psychiatrist who is conducting an assessment of my youngest daughter. She was asking me questions about the range of emotions that my daughter expresses at home on a daily basis. I was asked if my daughter ever expressed disgust or contempt. I immediately knew that I had seen the look of disgust on my daughters face and responded that "yes" this is in fact an emotion I have seen and recognized. I sat there for a good while puzzling over the emotion of contempt, however. I knew what the word meant, but I was unable to visualize what contempt would look like on the face of another human being. I couldn't even visualize what my own expression would be if I were, in fact, feeling contempt for someone. The psychiatrist, being a very gently and understanding woman, was very quick to show me what each emotion looks like. Again, I sat there studying the two expressions and for the life of me could not see much difference between one facial expression and the other. The gal kept switching back and forth between the two facial expressions, pausing intermittently to explain the subtle differences between the first look (disgust) and the second (contempt). I began to get that hot feeling around my face and neck that I used to get as a child when I knew that I had done something terrible and it was only a matter of time until I was discovered. I began to feel a sense of panic and extreme discomfort. It was difficult enough for me to have to look this women square in the face, but now I was being asked to discern between two very subltely different facial expressions with radically different emotions attached to them. My knowledge of the literal meaning of each word was useless in this situation and there was no amount of logic that could save me. With this realization, I burst into tears. The doctor jumped up, grabbed her box of tissues and began appologizing for having made me so upset. I knew that it wasn't her fault that I was not able to see the emotions that she was demonstrating for me. It was the first time in my life that I was ever so painfully aware of my inadequate ability to read the expressions of human emotions. I had been, at times throughout my life, suspicious that "I" may be at least partly to blame for some of the interpersonal difficulties that I have experienced throughout my life, but this was absolute proof positive.There was no longer any question in my mind and I felt ashamed of myself. Right away I began to realize the enormity of the problem and wondered, "how will I ever begin to teach my child how to read the thoughts and feelings of another?"

Empathy is such an interesting topic. I think that many people, myself included, have only a superficial understanding of what empathy really is. When I was first discovering what AS actually is, I can recall looking at the words "lack of empathy" on some website and thinking that I couldn't possibly have AS because, of course, I don't think that there should be any starving children in Africa and that all little old ladies should be summarily helped right across the proverbial street!! I was really shocked and surprised when I took that Simon Baron-Cohen assessment for empathy. I scored really low and was really shocked by the content of the questions. I realized that I had no idea what empathy really was and actually went and "studied up" on the topic. Of all of the things related to AS that effect me on a daily basis, empathy is the one that "I" personally notice the least. That is not to say that there are no deleterious effects from this. I just think that the lack of empathy that is associated with AS has been the single most difficult "symptom" for me to come to grips with. I have a poor understanding of what it is, I do not naturally tend to these small "gestures" of thoughtfulness and last but not least.... who wants to think of themselves as not being empathetic? Especially a women who is lacking empathy!! I don't mind being seen as eccentric or weird, but it makes me sad to think that I am thought of as lacking empathy. I, like you, "feel" so much. It is a real dichotomy that one can feel yet lack the ability to relate to the feelings of others.

Tony Attwood has noted that while boys with Asperger's Syndrome often have special interests such as train schedules or deep fat frier's, girls seem to have interests that are presumed to be more stereotypically "female". As a result of this, the special interests of girls may be overlooked or considered to be typical girls play. My own childhood play, however,  was probably anything but "typical". I didn't have much in the way of a special interest when I was very small. What I did have was a bad habit of becoming hyper focused on an activity to the point that I had no idea what was going on around me. I was interested in "setting up" ratherthan "playing" and I was never big on making my Barbie dolls talk to each other or pretending to have a tea party. I was much more interested in setting up the perfect house "scene" for Barbie and planning the menu for the tea party. One might say that one of my "special interests" was "planning for play". I always had a hard time getting other kids to play with me and this inability to play in a reciprocal fashion didn't make it any easier. Part of my problem was probably due to a poor understanding of social relationships, but certainly some of it was likely a pure result of my "eccentricities". One instance in particular comes to mind?

I was playing with a girl who lived up the street from me and I was probably in about the 1st or 2nd grade at the time. This girl and I decided that it might be fun to pretend that we lived in a "play town". Being that one of my favorite activities was drawing up maps and floorplans for houses, I thought this was a great idea. I immediately set out to design the city. The location for this city was going to be my own backyard, so who better to be the site designer - right? After a few different sketches, I finally settled on a design that included sites such as "water works", "post office", "school" and "grocerystore". Everything that a proper little town would need had been included. By this time my friend had decided to go home. I recall her saying that she would be back later when I was finished. Next, I collected up as many straight sticks as I could find and began jamming them into the ground in strategic locations throughout the backyard. I gathered up some yarn from my mothers latest afghan and began to linkt he sticks together forming a series of streets and building "footprints". I had also created signage for each street and location within my little city. By this time it was starting to get a little dark and I was made to halt construction until the following day. Bright and early that next morning (I was always awake by dawn) I was back at it adding all of the final touches like food in the grocery store and books in the school house. At this point, my friend from up the street had completely lost all interest in playing "town" with me and I can recall being clueless as to why. Today, I realize that the poor girl had probably been put off by not being allowed to participate in building the city with me. It could have also been the way I focused in on my infrastructure design and tuned out everything else that was going on around me - including her. Either way, the girl didn't seem very interested in playing with me much after that.

I have read other similar accounts of Aspie girls playing in this fashion. Liana Holliday Wiley wrote in her book Pretending to be Normal about the desire to set up toys rather than play any sort of meaningful games with them. She goes further to describe her frustration with other children who did not share the same pleasure in setting up elaborate scenes. I imagine that this need to organize and arrange things is common among Aspie girls. Perhaps it is an exageration of an already femanine tendancy? Regardless, this same trait that caused me so much greif as a child has subsequently become one of my greatest adult strenghts. It's a pitty my childhood friends couldn't relate......

I always knew that something about me was a little bit "odd". It probably began when I was a very small child and I attended kindergarten. These very early experiences were difficult for me because I was, like many other children with Asperger's, rigid and inflexible. I was set in my ways and being thrown into a structured environment that was not of my own design was confusing and frightening. I suppose I had always been different, but it wasn't until this time in my life that I really began to sense it. That first day ofschool still stands out in my mind as it was marked by a great deal of anxiety and confusion. I can recall being very concerned that I would miss the bus and did not trust that my mother knew the location of the bus stop. I also recall being very concerned about what would happen once I arrived at school. How would I know the location of my classroom since I had never been inside of the building? Would they know who I was and why I was there? How would I get home again? I imagine that these things were heavy on the minds of most children, but for me there was always the additional problem of being "in a world of my own".There were so many unknowns and it was a serious diversion from my usual routine of breakfast followed by some light coloring. The other children in my class were a terrific sight, too - as I recall. I distinctly remember looking about at my classmates in horror. One girl was crying and another kid had his index finger and middle finger firmly lodged inside of his nose just digging away! What was wrong withthese people? No one was interested in talking about how to build a city or the best way to hold a pair of chopsticks, so I decided to justwalk up and tell the teacher all about it. The teacher didn't really seem very interested either and I can recall being sent right back to my seat and told that I was not to get up again until everyone was called to a "station". I was assigned to the "block station" first and was shocked to find that no one was interested in building things my way. No one in this new environment was very cooperative and no one seemed very friendly. I did not like this new activity called "school" and I spent the next 13 years trying to figure out how to get myself sent home sick!