Aspie Girls

"...the ability to recognize and understand thoughts, beliefs, desires and intentions of other people in order to make sense of their behavior and predict what they are going to do next."

  -Tony Attwood 2007

This is an area that I have particular difficulty with and until learning about Asperger's Syndrome (AS) had very little understanding of. As I have discussed in my post  Discovering Empathy, empathy is something that I think many people with AS have only a limited understanding of. There is an unwritten social language involved that seems to slip through our fingers like dry sand on the beach. Recently, I had a very frightening realization regarding "theoryof mind" abilities. I was in the office of the child and adolescent psychiatrist who is conducting an assessment of my youngest daughter. She was asking me questions about the range of emotions that my daughter expresses at home on a daily basis. I was asked if my daughter ever expressed disgust or contempt. I immediately knew that I had seen the look of disgust on my daughters face and responded that "yes" this is in fact an emotion I have seen and recognized. I sat there for a good while puzzling over the emotion of contempt, however. I knew what the word meant, but I was unable to visualize what contempt would look like on the face of another human being. I couldn't even visualize what my own expression would be if I were, in fact, feeling contempt for someone. The psychiatrist, being a very gently and understanding woman, was very quick to show me what each emotion looks like. Again, I sat there studying the two expressions and for the life of me could not see much difference between one facial expression and the other. The gal kept switching back and forth between the two facial expressions, pausing intermittently to explain the subtle differences between the first look (disgust) and the second (contempt). I began to get that hot feeling around my face and neck that I used to get as a child when I knew that I had done something terrible and it was only a matter of time until I was discovered. I began to feel a sense of panic and extreme discomfort. It was difficult enough for me to have to look this women square in the face, but now I was being asked to discern between two very subltely different facial expressions with radically different emotions attached to them. My knowledge of the literal meaning of each word was useless in this situation and there was no amount of logic that could save me. With this realization, I burst into tears. The doctor jumped up, grabbed her box of tissues and began appologizing for having made me so upset. I knew that it wasn't her fault that I was not able to see the emotions that she was demonstrating for me. It was the first time in my life that I was ever so painfully aware of my inadequate ability to read the expressions of human emotions. I had been, at times throughout my life, suspicious that "I" may be at least partly to blame for some of the interpersonal difficulties that I have experienced throughout my life, but this was absolute proof positive.There was no longer any question in my mind and I felt ashamed of myself. Right away I began to realize the enormity of the problem and wondered, "how will I ever begin to teach my child how to read the thoughts and feelings of another?"

Empathy is such an interesting topic. I think that many people, myself included, have only a superficial understanding of what empathy really is. When I was first discovering what AS actually is, I can recall looking at the words "lack of empathy" on some website and thinking that I couldn't possibly have AS because, of course, I don't think that there should be any starving children in Africa and that all little old ladies should be summarily helped right across the proverbial street!! I was really shocked and surprised when I took that Simon Baron-Cohen assessment for empathy. I scored really low and was really shocked by the content of the questions. I realized that I had no idea what empathy really was and actually went and "studied up" on the topic. Of all of the things related to AS that effect me on a daily basis, empathy is the one that "I" personally notice the least. That is not to say that there are no deleterious effects from this. I just think that the lack of empathy that is associated with AS has been the single most difficult "symptom" for me to come to grips with. I have a poor understanding of what it is, I do not naturally tend to these small "gestures" of thoughtfulness and last but not least.... who wants to think of themselves as not being empathetic? Especially a women who is lacking empathy!! I don't mind being seen as eccentric or weird, but it makes me sad to think that I am thought of as lacking empathy. I, like you, "feel" so much. It is a real dichotomy that one can feel yet lack the ability to relate to the feelings of others.