Aspie Girl's Blog
Eye Contact
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As we all know, eye contact can be really difficult. I was just reminded today of just how difficult it can be. I had a job interview!
Through the entire interview I had to force myself to make eye contact. At times, I felt like perhaps the woman I was interviewing with might be thinking that I was staring at her. I had to keep reminding myself that others likely don't notice just so long as I appear to be looking at them. I try to let everything go out of focus when I am looking someone in the eye because it makes me feel more secure. However, I have often wondered if that leaves me looking like I could be staring off into space or not fully paying attention. The whole thing was really frustrating, but I think I pulled it off.
I used to have very good eye contact from years of practice, but in my years as a stay at home mother I have lost some of my skills in this area. It is a struggle to have to relearn a skill like this once you have let it go. I tend to only go out when I need to and I have plenty of time to work myself up for the assult of one on one conversation. Most people, I think, have no idea what sort of internal battle I am having. Regardless, I have to constantly remind myself that no one knows but me. I never noticed how bad the eye contact had become until my recent attempts to become a more involved member of society.
At one point, I had a doctor tell me that she thought that I might not make good sustained eye contact because I have an auditory processing problem. She postulated that I might be listening so hard that I am forgetting to look at the person that I am conversing with. In a recent meeting with my current doctor, I was asked outright why I don't like to make sustained eye contact and the response that came out was a shock - even to myself.
I feel that others (neurotypical individuals) are looking directly into my soul, for want of a better way to express it. They are, in a sense, mind readers. Since I know that I have trouble at times with subtle facial expressions and gestures, it leaves me feeling exposed. As if my every movement and facial expression is revealing secret information that I am unable to translate. Do they know that I have on dirty socks? That I actually don't know what they might be talking about? That I secretly hate the color yellow? Questions like these flood my head when I find myself staring into the eyes of another human being. As a result, I choose to limit these experiences to those that are of the highest level of importance. I imagine that if I could do it once, I can learn to do it again. Wish me luck!
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23 Comments
Some auties have said that eye contact presents them with way too much visual stimulus and interferes with their thinking. One young girl said "if I look at you my eyes are taking thousands of photos of your face and it is just too much to cope with". Does that help?
Not so much... I don't feel that I am overstimulated. It is more of an uneasiness than anything else. I feel uneasy because I over focus on if the other person know that I am really looking at their ear or their nose, for example. This leads me to feel nervous. Then I start to wonder what sort of "signals" I am giving off to the other person because I don't always get the signals that other people give. This creates a whole other layer of uneasiness and then I start to really feel self conscious. Does that make sense?
I am really working on this right now because I think that it is the single most obvious indication that something is "odd" about me. Just three or four years ago I was able to look people in the eye. Well, not really, but I was confident that people didn't know any different when I was actually looking at their mouth, for example. It has been the seclusion of being a stay-at-home mom coupled with a round of major depression and punctuated by my anxiety issues that has caused me to lose whatever it was that allowed me to "look" at people. I see a therapist and I have been working on looking at her. I also have been working really hard to force myself to look at people in the supermarket and places like that. I can make quick eye contact with them and then I don't have to talk to them. It may sound silly, but it is a starting point. I want to get back out into the world and I would like to get some sort of part-time or maybe even full-time job when my daughter goes to school for full days in a few years. I figure I have about two years to get my "act" together.....and I would say that really is an "act" because it sure does take a lot of effort and practice.
I am really working on this right now because I think that it is the single most obvious indication that something is "odd" about me. Just three or four years ago I was able to look people in the eye. Well, not really, but I was confident that people didn't know any different when I was actually looking at their mouth, for example. It has been the seclusion of being a stay-at-home mom coupled with a round of major depression and punctuated by my anxiety issues that has caused me to lose whatever it was that allowed me to "look" at people. I see a therapist and I have been working on looking at her. I also have been working really hard to force myself to look at people in the supermarket and places like that. I can make quick eye contact with them and then I don't have to talk to them. It may sound silly, but it is a starting point. I want to get back out into the world and I would like to get some sort of part-time or maybe even full-time job when my daughter goes to school for full days in a few years. I figure I have about two years to get my "act" together.....and I would say that really is an "act" because it sure does take a lot of effort and practice.
Aspie Girl - I understand COMPLETELY what you are trying to express in this post. You hit the nail right on the head. I too have always felt that making eye contact is too intense for me. Just like you, I feel that people are peering right into my soul/mind and I get very self-conscious and distracted with dwelling on whether I'm reciprocating properly.
I really struggled a lot with it when I worked in an office environment (I'm fortunate enough to work from home now). My boss once told me that I gave her the blankest look she had ever seen on a person before - and I was just merely trying to make sure I was maintaining a proper amount of eye contact!
It's all become too much of an energy-draining struggle for me, so I have recently reverted back to doing what's more comfortable for me - I just "check in" with people occasionally with the eye contact but usually am looking off at something else so I can focus on the conversation at hand. I'm much more at ease now and less stressed out about it. If they don't like it, well, that's just too bad
I really struggled a lot with it when I worked in an office environment (I'm fortunate enough to work from home now). My boss once told me that I gave her the blankest look she had ever seen on a person before - and I was just merely trying to make sure I was maintaining a proper amount of eye contact!
It's all become too much of an energy-draining struggle for me, so I have recently reverted back to doing what's more comfortable for me - I just "check in" with people occasionally with the eye contact but usually am looking off at something else so I can focus on the conversation at hand. I'm much more at ease now and less stressed out about it. If they don't like it, well, that's just too bad
Never realised it myself, I was told as a teen, that I stand in a group and just stare at the person talking. I was mortified. I still do it.
When I realise that I am staring at someone's mole, say, I try to but cannot get away from that point. Then I try to look accepting and sort of sympathetic...it's crazy!
Why is it so difficult and how do regular people do it then, and get away with it?
When I realise that I am staring at someone's mole, say, I try to but cannot get away from that point. Then I try to look accepting and sort of sympathetic...it's crazy!
Why is it so difficult and how do regular people do it then, and get away with it?
I completely understand Aspie Girl and Ilove Music and maji. I find eye contant v. intense (although ironically I don't really like ti when someone won't look me in the eye at all) . At school my friends parents used to think I was shifty because my eye contact was off. I also often feel exposed in a way that feels unbearable. I think there is something there about not having a very strong sense of self.
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coffee
03:33 AM on December 28, 2009
eye contact is very difficult for me. if there someone who is looking for eyecontact, i feel a huge nausea. it's like driving carousel. this makes me also sick.
a couple of days before i met an interesting guy. he is an artist and talking with him makes me a good feeling. but the issues are, every moment - so seemed it to me - he is searching my eyes.
horrible, very horrible. i told him my problems and he knew about my asperger, but, it's him so i broke up with him. looking back to this situation i feel immediately this nausea.
PS: sorry for my english, i am not a native speaker.
a couple of days before i met an interesting guy. he is an artist and talking with him makes me a good feeling. but the issues are, every moment - so seemed it to me - he is searching my eyes.
horrible, very horrible. i told him my problems and he knew about my asperger, but, it's him so i broke up with him. looking back to this situation i feel immediately this nausea.
PS: sorry for my english, i am not a native speaker.
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Hag
07:17 PM on January 08, 2010
If you look to all other mamals, you see that eye contact is ALLWAY an act of agressivity, of hostility or chalenge of some sort. So what is the NT problem?! Why they are so obcess with this deffective behaviour? I don't lnow. I hate looking in eyes of people. For me it's an agressive behavior and rude, it make me uncomfortable or even agressive.
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Kas
05:10 PM on January 26, 2010
I had NO idea others felt this way! I thought I was just a weirdo. Wow. Hopefully one day I can meet someone like this in person, finally have a friend I can relate to.
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DixieFire
04:08 PM on January 27, 2010
just for encouragement .. . i'm just learning about aspie traits. I'm convinced that my husband and I are both aspies. How we found each other I don't know but I sure am glad. Before, I always used to find a sort of opposite person or someone who had complimentary traits that I didn't have but it is nice to have someone that is LIKE me rather than unlike me and someone that understands a lot of the same issues we face as well as the benefits of our aspie nature.
Eye contact is very difficult for my husband with me but he seems to do well with strangers or encounters with other people, perhaps if he doesn't feel searched. I'm the opposite. I do well with eye contact with my husband but not so well with strangers or encounters with others. Do not understand the ins and outs of this.
Some days I can be very direct and confident looking at another person eye to eye and some days it feels like this huge problem that I am aware of and want to get over but just can't seem to feel comfortable looking in the person's eyes.
Eye contact is very difficult for my husband with me but he seems to do well with strangers or encounters with other people, perhaps if he doesn't feel searched. I'm the opposite. I do well with eye contact with my husband but not so well with strangers or encounters with others. Do not understand the ins and outs of this.
Some days I can be very direct and confident looking at another person eye to eye and some days it feels like this huge problem that I am aware of and want to get over but just can't seem to feel comfortable looking in the person's eyes.
I think it's if there is emotion/connection involved.
I can sit and discuss something with someone and I'll probably err on the side of making too much eye contact, I've always made a habit of doing that because not doing so is seen as a sign you're lying to them.
But if I am aware I am connecting with someone by doing that then yeah, I find that jarring.
I can sit and discuss something with someone and I'll probably err on the side of making too much eye contact, I've always made a habit of doing that because not doing so is seen as a sign you're lying to them.
But if I am aware I am connecting with someone by doing that then yeah, I find that jarring.
I was at our local Autie/aspie adult group last night- everyone was very animated and enjoying each other's company and guess what? There was lots of eye contact going on! But put these lovely people in an "outside" situation and it is a different story. One member wondered if a form of desensitisation would help us, but I don't like the idea of forcing oneself to maintain eye contact beyond about 3 seconds. Even NTs don't normally do so!
You know? I actually have been having a series of conversations with my therapist about this very topic! I don't have a group to go to. In fact, I have never knowingly met another adult with AS, but I do spend time wondering if other people notice that I can't look them in the eye for more than about a second. I used to be able to pull it off, but I knew that I wasn't really looking directly at the person. Basically, I force myself to look at areas of the face, neck and head that are close to the eyes. It makes it easy to shift up for that obligatory second or two without having people notice that I wasn't really looking in the first place. Believe it or not, but I used to have the eye contact thing totally under control. I have become self conscious again because I have been at home with kids for about 6 years now. I am trying to get back out into the work force and am worried that I won't come across well in a job interview. I basically spend a lot of time talking to my therapist with the express purpose of looking at her!!! I recently have been able to do so....... AND......... I think I may have gotten a good job as a result of the practice. I just got a job offer in a lab!!! We'll see how that goes......
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Kas
11:54 AM on February 02, 2010
Same with my therapist, except we don't really talk about it - although I do hope that eye contact will be one of my goals eventually. I couldn't imagine going through the rest of my life with this. Once I get out of college, Ill have to start applying for jobs and whatnot; I can't count on people to understand and think "oh, she's probably just shy" when shy isn't even the half of it....
But then again, I'd choose to be me over an NT anyday
But then again, I'd choose to be me over an NT anyday
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TSwain
08:46 PM on February 06, 2010
Your blog is so informative ? ..I just bookmarked you....keep up the good work!!!!
Hey, I found your blog in a new directory of blogs. I dont know how your blog came up, must have been a typo, anyway cool blog, I bookmarked you.
Hey, I found your blog in a new directory of blogs. I dont know how your blog came up, must have been a typo, anyway cool blog, I bookmarked you.
Kas says...
Same with my therapist, except we don't really talk about it - although I do hope that eye contact will be one of my goals eventually. I couldn't imagine going through the rest of my life with this. Once I get out of college, Ill have to start applying for jobs and whatnot; I can't count on people to understand and think "oh, she's probably just shy" when shy isn't even the half of it....
But then again, I'd choose to be me over an NT anyday
http://www.grasp.org/media/empathy.pdf
This is a lovely article on empathy by Zosia Zaks which I read on the GRASP website. For those who don't know GRASP, it is a very worthwhile website to visit and they have lots of small networks inside the US and some other places. Their Director, Micahel John Carley, has recently published "Asperger Syndrome from the Inside Out"- an excellent book!
This is a lovely article on empathy by Zosia Zaks which I read on the GRASP website. For those who don't know GRASP, it is a very worthwhile website to visit and they have lots of small networks inside the US and some other places. Their Director, Micahel John Carley, has recently published "Asperger Syndrome from the Inside Out"- an excellent book!
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Hag
01:51 PM on April 09, 2010
Leith says...
http://www.grasp.org/media/empathy.pdf
Interresting paper.
I loved the section about holiday questions. LOL
Even if I still not figure out why they ask such questions that require predefine answers... It's look quite irrelevant and useless blahblahblah to me but not for them... apparently.
To return on eyes contact, I still feel very unconfortable with this kind of things but since I know about the great importance NT give to it I insert it in when I deal with them. For a job interview it's important to appear and look competent and this can help a lot.(!)
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Deb
02:16 PM on May 13, 2010
Uhhhm I doubt they know about your socks! I am an Aspie too, and from what I have discovered, people have labels they associate with different gestures and it's natural for them to make assumptions about your gestures. So therefore whatever they think is probably completely off the wall to what you would think. You might be "feeling" tired but they will see a person looking hyper. you might be feeling confident, but because you don't look them in the eye they think you have low self esteem. You might know what you are talking about and are happy to share some great wealth of information, and they think you are making up stories and lying because of how you are appearing to them. Or you can say something about yourself and they won't believe it because you seem different. It's a matter of finding people who look past this, and believe you. There are people out there who don't really think, and aren't great with reading gestures either and they will just take you how you are and believe what you say. stay away from people with extremely amazing social skills because those people will not comprehend you and often judge you or look down on you.
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