Aspie Girls

As we all know, eye contact can be really difficult. I was just reminded today of just how difficult it can be. I had a job interview!

Through the entire interview I had to force myself to make eye contact. At times, I felt like perhaps the woman I was interviewing with might be thinking that I was staring at her. I had to keep reminding myself that others likely don't notice just so long as I appear to be looking at them. I try to let everything go out of focus when I am looking someone in the eye because it makes me feel more secure. However, I have often wondered if that leaves me looking like I could be staring off into space or not fully paying attention. The whole thing was really frustrating, but I think I pulled it off.

I used to have very good eye contact from years of practice, but in my years as a stay at home mother I have lost some of my skills in this area. It is a struggle to have to relearn a skill like this once you have let it go. I tend to only go out when I need to and I have plenty of time to work myself up for the assult of one on one conversation. Most people, I think, have no idea what sort of internal battle I am having. Regardless, I have to constantly remind myself that no one knows but me. I never noticed how bad the eye contact had become until my recent attempts to become a more involved member of society.

At one point, I had a doctor tell me that she thought that I might not make good sustained eye contact because I have an auditory processing problem. She postulated that I might be listening so hard that I am forgetting to look at the person that I am conversing with. In a recent meeting with my current doctor, I was asked outright why I don't like to make sustained eye contact and the response that came out was a shock - even to myself.

I feel that others (neurotypical individuals) are looking directly into my soul, for want of a better way to express it. They are, in a sense, mind readers. Since I know that I have trouble at times with subtle facial expressions and gestures, it leaves me feeling exposed. As if my every movement and facial expression is revealing secret information that I am unable to translate. Do they know that I have on dirty socks? That I actually don't know what they might be talking about? That I secretly hate the color yellow? Questions like these flood my head when I find myself staring into the eyes of another human being. As a result, I choose to limit these experiences to those that are of the highest level of importance. I imagine that if I could do it once, I can learn to do it again. Wish me luck!