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As we all know, eye contact can be really difficult. I was just reminded today of just how difficult it can be. I had a job interview!
Through the entire interview I had to force myself to make eye contact. At times, I felt like perhaps the woman I was interviewing with might be thinking that I was staring at her. I had to keep reminding myself that others likely don't notice just so long as I appear to be looking at them. I try to let everything go out of focus when I am looking someone in the eye because it makes me feel more secure. However, I have often wondered if that leaves me looking like I could be staring off into space or not fully paying attention. The whole thing was really frustrating, but I think I pulled it off.
I used to have very good eye contact from years of practice, but in my years as a stay at home mother I have lost some of my skills in this area. It is a struggle to have to relearn a skill like this once you have let it go. I tend to only go out when I need to and I have plenty of time to work myself up for the assult of one on one conversation. Most people, I think, have no idea what sort of internal battle I am having. Regardless, I have to constantly remind myself that no one knows but me. I never noticed how bad the eye contact had become until my recent attempts to become a more involved member of society.
At one point, I had a doctor tell me that she thought that I might not make good sustained eye contact because I have an auditory processing problem. She postulated that I might be listening so hard that I am forgetting to look at the person that I am conversing with. In a recent meeting with my current doctor, I was asked outright why I don't like to make sustained eye contact and the response that came out was a shock - even to myself.
I feel that others (neurotypical individuals) are looking directly into my soul, for want of a better way to express it. They are, in a sense, mind readers. Since I know that I have trouble at times with subtle facial expressions and gestures, it leaves me feeling exposed. As if my every movement and facial expression is revealing secret information that I am unable to translate. Do they know that I have on dirty socks? That I actually don't know what they might be talking about? That I secretly hate the color yellow? Questions like these flood my head when I find myself staring into the eyes of another human being. As a result, I choose to limit these experiences to those that are of the highest level of importance. I imagine that if I could do it once, I can learn to do it again. Wish me luck!
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Kas says...
Same with my therapist, except we don't really talk about it - although I do hope that eye contact will be one of my goals eventually. I couldn't imagine going through the rest of my life with this. Once I get out of college, Ill have to start applying for jobs and whatnot; I can't count on people to understand and think "oh, she's probably just shy" when shy isn't even the half of it....
But then again, I'd choose to be me over an NT anyday

Leith says...
http://www.grasp.org/media/empathy.pdf


