Aspie Girls

Have you ever turned an otherwise negative "trait" into a positive parenting experience? If so, feel free to share your story here!

My story can be found in my blog post: http://www.aspiegirls.com/apps/blog/show/1387288-traits-of-a-positive-parent

DonkeyBuster at 10:47AM on Jul 19, 2009

I'm not a parent. I was never drawn to that career. But like you, I have made my family--in this case my partner--one of my special interests. It has helped my relationship immeasurably. I do think that if the AS partner doesn't do that, then the NT members of the family are not going to be getting the emotional hits they seem to need to thrive... it seems like that was definitely a factor in some of my earlier relationships. I was absorbed in my interests and had little patience for listening to all the boring details of their day or sharing mine... but that's a big need of NTs, like an essential nutrient, so my partners ended up with a type of emotional deprivation. Recognizing that emotional essential nutrient that was not present in my earlier relationships is not the same as blame, however. It's just recognition that some needs are not being met, so that they can be addressed somehow. Awareness is key... developing extended support networks for the NT spouse so they can get the emotional nutrition they need, so the AS person isn't overwhelmed by their neediness. I do think it is disastrous for a very emotionally dependent, needy NT to get into a relationship with an AS who has not made the relationship a special interest. I think there is very real potential for abuse; either an Aspie having rage meltdowns or an NT browbeating, abusing and manipulating an Aspie. But I have to wonder about people who would be drawn to that... Nor does it necessarily disqualify someone from being a parent. I do think awareness of emotional needs of children is what's important. If you've got that, then you'll be a good parent. But there are an enormous number of people who don't... NT and AS aside. Frankly, I think good parents just have a natural gift that they develop. My sister is a good mother, and she has worked to become a better mother. It's been 17 years since I've had a conversation with her that wasn't interrupted by a child or teen... she's always surrounded by them and they enjoy her company. It drives me nuts, but she's good at what she does.

Meeting the needs of your partner is no simple task! That's for sure!! When my husband comes home from work he wants to tell me all about his day. It is REALLY intense because I would say that my husbands work "is" his special interest. If I let him, he could go on all night long!!! Sometimes he will be talking about some aspect of his work that I find to be personally interesting.... when that happens then I am perfectly fine to have a chat about "his day". However, when he is going on and on about something that I could care less about I have a REALLY hard time focusing. My mind will wander to things that are interesting to me and the next thing that I know, I am accused of not listening or paying attention. It makes me feel bad, but I can't help it. I do try really hard to be accomodating and listen, however.

I feel i must have been at least a 'good enough parent', as my daughter has turned out okay, in fact more than okay. I think i did two things really right - the first was lots of affection, both physical and verbal. She herself made this easy for me, even tho i wasn't really raised with it, as she has always been a 'cuddly' person. Even as a baby she would 'snuggle in' to whoever was holding her. Some babies hold themselves aloof, not her. She was a 'people person' right from the start.

The second thing i did right was lots of intellectual stimulation. If i had a 'special interest', i shared it with her. In this way i sparked interest in her in several subjects, some of which she then studied beyond even what i was into, for instance she loved ancient history so much it became one of her majors at University. The other was English, especially the plays of Shakespeare, this becos i gave her one of those lurid comic-book versions of Macbeth, as i always liked the witches scene, even tho i'm not otherwise into Shakespeare. And now she's an English teacher in a high school! She also shares my love of bookshops, and going to the movies. The only thing she didn't share, at first, was my love of sci-fi - she said to me one day, Mummy who do you buy me all these weird science fiction books?!!? The irony is now, she loves sci-fi and fantasy movies as much as i do - we both saw the Lord of the Rings twice, and of course Harry Potter is a given.

I should add here that a third good thing i did was to give her good boundaries, for the most part, she knew if i said no, i MEANT no!!

That is really interesting kiwipen! I have a teenager that was super snuggly when she was a baby. She wanted to be held all the time and wouldn't even go to sleep without being rocked. I think her feet were dragging the ground on the rocking chair when we finally stopped the "rock me to sleep" ritual. Wouldn't want to mash any toes under the rocker!! hehehehehe....

I have shared many of my interests with her over the years. She likes to sew and she loves movies. I am a horror movie fan. We started out with classics like Bella Lugosi dracula and Lon Chaney woolfman flicks.... and worked our way up from there. Today we have to see them all!! B-movies, cult movies, good movies, bad movies... it doesn't really matter. We love them all so long as they are not boring films about people lives.

My little one never wanted to be held or hugged or kissed until recently. She will be 4 in about 2 weeks. She likes her own stuff. She may end up sharing her special interest areas with me one day... who knows!!  We have our own form of affection.

I think DonkeyBuster has some really good points.  Some people seem equipped with parenting skills, almost naturally, and some just don't.  AS, or NT.  From what I've noticed with aspies, it seems to go in one extreme direction, or another, pretty much like everything else that we do.  Either we're terrific (even if a little obsessive) parents, or we're not good parents at all.  I seem to be naturally inclined to parenting, and taking care of kids in general, which is funny because when I met my husband I said that I didn't want kids.  I didn't think that I'd make a very good mother, but I guess that I was wrong.

My kids are my primary special interest.  Anything that affects them, I become an expert on.  I know so much about allergies, asthma, eczema, toricollis, dyslexia, developmental milestones, ect...  Lately, I've been looking for info on how to deal with a moody pre-teen, because to be honest my daughter has me going in circles!

I had to laugh when you are all discussing husbands coming home from work wanting to discuss their day.  My husband will literally go on for hours!  He seems more aspie-ish in that sense than I do.  We finally had to make a deal to where he can tell me about his day, but not to the point that he's overloading me while I'm making supper, and trying to tend to the kids.  I used to have a mini-meltdown every night becuase he would put me into a complete overload with his work monologues, then he'd decide that he's done talking for the evening without even giving me a chance to say anything about my day. 

OMG!! Serenity.... your life sounds just like mine! I didn't want kids either because I thought  I would be a bad mom! Turns out that I am doing better than most.... I have a moody teenager that I don't know what to do with and I dred the hour when my husband comes home from work. Not because I don't love him, but because I experience overload when he comes home. My little one starts blabbing "daddy, daddy, blah, blah, blah".. the dog gets worked up and might even bark a little... I am bombarded with work talk... but the thing that makes it the WORST? He generally turns on the television BEFORE he starts in on the work solilique!!!! I have to try to hear him through the TV. I cannot hear and understand information in the presence of too much competing noise. I don't know what he is saying half the time and then he thinks that I am not listening.... It all gets me feeling very nervous and sometimes I even have a panic attack after he comes home. Most of the time it is just a higher level of anxiety than normal.... when I get panics, I start to snap at people and might even have to go outside for some air because I can't get my breath. I feel like my husband must think I am crazy. My teen seems to understand, however..... I think she has some anxiety issues herself.

I think we're living very similar lives! 

Maybe you could work something out with your husband like I did mine.  My marriage was in a bad way a few yrs ago.  My husband didn't understand me, and I didn't understand him.  He would take my sensory overloads personally.  I'd get so overloaded from him coming home from work, and wanting all of my attention, and affection as well as tending to my own work that I'd get bitchy, and wouldn't want anything to do with him once I got the kids in bed.  I would just want to be left alone.  A handful of times I remember covering my ears, and yelling (more like raising my voice, not really a loud yell) "too much noise!".  He said he couldn't understand why I seemed to be in a good mood when he'd call me on the phone to tell me he was on his way home, but when he got here I was in a totally different mood.  He thought that I must not like him all that much, because it seemed that when he was around I was in a bad mood.  It wasn't him, it was just the sensory overload that came with him coming home. 

It doesn't help that from about 4:30-9 PM is my busiest time.  That's when I have to get supper done (and in my family that means several different meals because of sensory issues) the kids bathed, asthma meds, bedtime snack, and clean up the kitchen.  That's a lot in just a few hours.  If I get off schedule things don't go smoothly.  I don't have time to stop, and have long chats, and cuddles.  I told him that would be akin to me showing up at his job site during his busiest time of day, and expecting him to stop, and have cuddles and listen to my day.  Of course, he'd get pissed off.  He understood better after I explained it to him that way.  Now he helps me with the night time routine, keeps conversation to a minimum, and I'm in a pleasant mood when the kids get to bed, THEN we can spend time together.... chatting without the TV! 

Yeah... Me and my husband are working towards something like that. I had the same issue with him thinking that I was in a bad mood. I would be fine until he got home. It is conflicting because I really have to step back sometimes and remind myslef that the problem isn't my husband... it is the noise and the hustle of a busy evening. I am worried what will happen in the fall when I go to school. I am starting graduate school and will have to "work" all day (like I didn't work before...hehehehe). When I come home, I will still have to do all of the evening routine. I will get help with the little one, but I will still have that TV to battle with. That TV set... I would love to get rid of it!! I can't handle the noise that it makes. In fact.... I could be home alone with a TV running and it would produce almost the exact sensations that I get when my husband comes home from work. If I am not actively watching something (which is almost never....really) then it has to be turned off!! I have only been married for a few years (less than 5). Previous to this... I never lived with any other people apart from my teenage daughter. I was a single mom for 11 years. Having your child for a "room mate" is different than being married. It was SO much quieter when it was just me and my oldest daughter. She also likes silence.... unless she is listening to music. Even then... she usually uses headphones because it is "polite" to do in a house with sensory issues in it. I wish I could get my husband to understand that. We could hook some ear phones up to the TV set!!!

Could you ask him not to turn on the tv until he's finished talking about his day, at least? How can he watch it and talk to you anyway? I could never concentrate with two lots of noise going at me like that.

I consider myself lucky in that for most of my kid's growing up years i didn't have a partner... well, there was my husband in the earlier years, but he wasn't around much, and wasn't much of a talker when he was, but that's another story... Then i had a (female) partner when my daughter was in her teens, that did not go well, they didn't like each other much and things became very fraught, and i was caught in the middle... I finally dumped the partner (who was a mega bitch) but by then my daughter had grown up and left home. Things gradually repaired between us, i'm glad to say, but i would not like to have to deal with partner issues again. I decided some time ago that i am better off on my own.